Things have been slow around the blog lately, I kind’ve apologize.  But in reality, I’ve been at such a loss lately with where I am in my walk with God and what I’m supposed to be doing.  Last year it seemed as if I had it all figured out and it was just about moving forward.  But by the end of the year, things started to change drastically in my life.  I don’t know if it’s my fault or if it’s just the next season of God for me…or a mixture of both and I’m just in the process of working through it.

Last winter was quite dramatic.  We were living in our 1 bedroom apartment in Oklahoma City waiting for our new baby to come and as the year closed in on us I began to take a shift in my walk with God.  I don’t know if it was just the normal stresses of a new baby and all that entails, or if it was the fact that we had to move back to our house that we once completely forsook.

I think having to move back to Tulsa had a lot to do with it.  I was completely frustrated because it was not only a step back in my mind, but it was also the last place I wanted to be because of other reasons.  So here I am, trying to take on the world for Jesus, trying to live radical and on the edge, and within a year I’m back right where I started!! Hahaha…it’s quite comical.  At least I can laugh about it now…January I wasn’t laughing at all.

So I’m here in Tulsa (Bixby) and I’m wondering what the next step is.  During the same time my understanding and beliefs on what the church is and supposed to be also changed.  My thoughts on evangelism changed (a bit).  My thoughts on community changed…almost everything, even what I think a missionary is has changed.

Previously I thought of a missionary as one that went.  Someone that went and did something somewhere, it didn’t have to be overseas, as a matter of fact I was and I still am in dissagreement with most of the overseas mission work that I perceive is being done.  I’ve always thought that we should more or less work among our own country, while understanding that there those that must go and teach other people groups, but more for the sake of empowering them to bring the gospel to the people there themselves.  If you haven’t read “Revolution In World Missions” you’re definitely missing out on an excellent viewpoint on overseas mission work.

Anyway, I always perceived myself as someone setting out to become an “American Missionary”…a missionary to the people of America, my home country.  I thought I was going to travel the states and preach the gospel to every creature.  But then absolutely NOTHING went as planned or thought.  We gave away all we had, got an old travel trailer up and working and we were off to go…do something.  On our first outing with the trailer we found out we were pregnant with our second child.  This completely threw me off, here I was, I gave away all we had (even baby stuff from our first son), we have no home to live in except the trailer, my wife wasn’t feeling well at all within her first 3-4 months and my grand plan of travelling the states spreading the gospel very quickly came to a hault.

We found ourselves in Oklahoma City where we decided to wait for the baby to be born before we set back out.  However, in Oklahoma City is where all my thoughts started to change on the work I thought I was going to do.  All of the sudden I began to understand the necessity of relationships and community (genuine community, not the hokey stuff that happens only on Sunday mornings).  I fell in love with the idea of entering in relationships with people.  At this point my thoughts on going to a city, preach on the streets for a few weeks and then move to the next city, started to change.  I realized at this point that I wanted to actually interact with community of people and develop relationships rather than a quick hit and leave.

In the fall of ‘07 I was pretty set on us leaving OKC after the baby was born and then moving to another town and live for 6 months to a year (instead of just a few weeks as originally thought).  Well, then the bomb dropped!  The house we originally forsook and shook the dust of our feet off on crept back into our lives.  The family we were renting the house out to decided they didn’t want to buy it after all and said they were moving out in December.

So we had a very uncomfortable move back to our home in December with a myriad of other things that were going on at the same time. 

Here I am, I started this website called howtobecomeamissionary.com thinking that I was going to document some neat things on how we beat the system and live completely abandoned to God and I’m right smack dab back at the beginning.  It’s hilarious when I think about it.

It’s funny because I think about what I’m going to do next and I’m at a complete loss.  I have no idea what I want, what I’m supposed, or what I’m going to do.  I feel like right now I’m just working quietly with my hands waiting for the next step (1 Thess 4:11).  Only this time, I think it’s going to be far less dramatic, and far more genuine. 

Lately I’m so annoyed with the fan fare and hype that surrounds Christianity these days.  It seems like everything has been rubbing me the wrong way.   It’s not so much that I’m tired of the way Christianity is expressed in America and our modern world, but how I’ve seen myself in it.  It’s not that it’s not sincere, but that I wasn’t (now looking back).  When I get frustrated with church, it’s not church that’s frustrating me, but how I saw myself in it in the previous years.  And It’s not that I’m against sermons or doctrinal teachings, but it’s how I once held up their importance as the epitome of Christian essentials.

Here’s how I see things these days.  If “it” (whatever it is) doesn’t extend itself to the context of relationships between individual people, it’s not important to me right now.  Meaning, if your debate or doctrinal discussion doesn’t help me in a relationship with my friend, then it’s pointless.

I’ve given up on the ego trip I’ve been in about being a Christian superstar.  You know, the one everyone looks up to.  The one that is invited to speak here or there.  The one that is “known”.  I’ll admit, I once wanted to be a superstar in the history books of Christianity.  I wanted to travel the states and preach everywhere and make noise everywhere I went for the Kingdom of God, I wanted to DO something.

Right now, I’m  seeing the value of people and one on one relationships.  I’m seeing the value of a group of people simply living life together, learning to love each other and take care of one another.  Not for the purpose of building a name, church or a ministry, not for anything but expressing and learning the love of God among each other.

So, am I a missionary?  Probably not.  I can make up my own definition to wrap around what I’m doing.  I think a missionary is one that is set out to accomplish a mission, my mission right now is simply to develop relationships with others, whatever the means, for the purpose of getting to know and reveal God.  At this point do I care if I’m a missionary or not…nope. 

I guess right now I’m in a season of focusing on micro Christianity instead of macro Christianity.  Will it last throughout the rest of my walk, I have no idea.  It’s pretty interesting when I think about it, the ebb and flow of my walk with God.  Sometimes I wonder if it’s stepping into more of God or if it’s just stepping in and out of laziness….hahaha.