As I’m continuing down this path of personal analysis and refocusing I find myself becoming more excited but at the same time, more confused. I still haven’t been able to determine where I’m headed next, at this point it’s almost as if I’m not finding a dedicated path at all. It’s just such a stark contrast to how I previously walked out my faith that I almost seem completely lost.

During this time I’ve uncovered more of my pride and error of the past and I’d like to come out in the open and address it and maybe find some help and possibly start some discussion. This sure won’t be the most entertaining thing you’ve ever read but I’d like to just throw it out there and see how it sticks.

Coming from the Word of Faith movement into the prophetic movement (and now I would officially say I’ve moved on from) I found a very common thread that feeds some sick part of my personality. The desire and the drive of self sacrifice in order to obtain SOMETHING from God, whether it was spiritual or material blessings, it didn’t matter. Looking back I’ve noticed that I was always trying to push the envelope on how far I would “go for God”, hoping He would notice and reward my efforts. I found myself chasing a manifestation of God.

I know now that I’ve desired so much this “personal” relationship with God to be so real that I would do anything in order to obtain it. I wanted to SEE God. I think my motives for the lost were genuine at the time, but now looking back I really think that I was more in it for me than the people I would try to minister too. In the prophetic movement we would often criticize the previous evangelism techiniques to “win the lost” as simply trying to notch the belt. Unfortunately I think I was doing the same thing with the prophetic. This time, instead of regrouping back at the church after an afternoon of witnessing and talking about how many people were saved or how many cards were filled out, we would come back to the church and talk about how many words of knowledge we received, or how many people had dramatic reactions to our abilities to hear God, or even how many people said they were healed. It was still a numbers game, we just counted it differently. Now, deep down, I still wanted to see people come to God and I did want to see restoration…but in all honesty, I just wanted to see something happen above all, and I was dissapointed when it didn’t work out the way “they” said it would or the way I thought it should have.

If I hear anything from God these days it’s this, “I desire mercy, and not sacrifice”. My entire walk & relationship with God has been built on a sacrificial system. Whether it was fasting, praying for long periods of time, reading scripture, it didn’t matter, I was always throwing some kind of lamb on the alter hoping to see God accept it with fire. I don’t think I ever saw the fire. I think I grew from it of course, but looking back I was just playing the games. I would see how far I could put myself out there just so I could get a taste of the reality of God…and if it didn’t happen that time, well, then maybe I’ll go a little bit further next time. But, the key to all of it was my ability to sacrifice myself in order to obtain God.

Now, I believe I’m simply realizing that instead of my sacrifices, He just wants me to be nice to people, forgiving, caring, merciful. I was so busy with myself and trying to get this experiment to work that I never had the chance to bring mercy to a person through relationship. Sure, at the time I would say I was exercising mercy and stuff, but really looking back, I was too preoccupied with my own quest that I couldn’t have offered anything genuine to anybody if I wanted too.

A year ago I would’ve been thrilled for the Lakeland revival…but instead it honestly just made me sick. Not because of Todd or what was going on down there, I could care less. What made me sick was the thought of me being in that same position where I felt that going there would’ve earned me more stripes and brought me closer to God, and then end up falling short again (just like every other conference I attended). Forget the doctrine of the revival, the scandals, and even the miracles, just my heart on the issue would’ve been “God may just show up there, maybe I need to Go” instead of understanding “the hour cometh, when ye shall neither in this mountain, nor yet at Jerusalem, worship the Father. “ John 4:21

What am I supposed to do now if I’m not chasing the manifestation????? Haha…really, what in the world am I supposed to do if I can’t slaughter my personal lambs for the alter? That consumed so much of my time and spiritual walk that there is this huge void in my life. I see myself working through it, but the frustration and dissapointment it’s caused was almost too much in the beginning.

As I’ve said before I’m really just trying to focus more on personal, one on one relationships with people, not even for any kind of purpose, but more because I’ve never really had those kinds of relationships where it wasn’t all about “taking the world for God”. I’m trying to be real and not some spiritual zombie robot. I’m sure this is just another season in my life, and I’m smart enough now to not write anything in stone, this walk with God is dynamic and takes on different shapes as we go through life.

One other thing worth noting in my self analysis is my pendulum style personality. I’m glad I can finally admit it without feeling like I have to put up some kind of super spiritual front. But I’m the kind of guy that goes to the extremes of the pendulum, I’m rarely balanced in the middle. Hopefully my heart and my genuineness is there, but my actions and thoughts are usually at one extreme or another…either I’m preaching on a street corner or I’m sitting around doing nothing, or I’m going to church 3 times a week to despising it. If it’s an extreme, I’ll usually touch it at least once…hahaha…call it a fault, call it whatever you want, that’s apparently just the way I am. Fortunately I trust God enough that He can handle my eccentricities, I’m sure He just laughs at me….like my wife does.

Thanks for sticking around! I have a lot to write, it’s just that these things are way more difficult to write than the stuff I used to. I’m almost sad for any new visitors that are trying to find real material on “How To Become A Missionary”l!!!! Oops.

(BTW, to all the people that recommended "Pagan Christianity" to me..thanks!! I’ve been reading it and you were right!! I should read it.  So I am and I appreciate the recommendation!)